What 28 minutes of talking to myself taught me
How anyone can become a witness to their inner world
Saturday morning, 5ish weeks ago, I was pissed off.
Something had happened at home that I needed to work through. I wanted to talk, but this particular situation wasn’t something I was ready or willing to share with someone else.
Then, a solution emerged: what if I talked to… myself?
Maybe, I think, I can verbalize what’s going on inside me; I’ll work through what’s going on inside me, sorting it out by talking about it.
Based on this idea, I decided I’d use the 40-minute drive I was about to embark on to give it a whirl. And, to take it a step further, I’d also record myself with my voice notes app. I planned to import the file into my transcription software so I could read over my thoughts and get a better feel for them.
Enter: The Solo Conversation
Because “talking to myself” sounds a smidge crazy, I started calling this approach to working through stormy inner world situations a “solo conversation”.
There’s nothing special that differentiates a solo convo from talking to yourself. You just find a place where you won’t be bothered and can speak freely; then, you simply talk until you feel lighter. Clearer. Better.
Since that first pissed-off Saturday morning, the solo conversation has become my favorite way to connect with myself. Whether it’s to gain clarity, let go of bullshit, or process big feelings, the solo conversation is the inner world multi-tool you never knew you needed.
My First Attempt at a Solo Conversation
I tap record just before pulling out of the Costco Gas terminal. I wait to pull away, self-conscious of people watching me talk.
I start talking:
Okay, so it’s Saturday morning, and I’m just feeling a lot of things…
I begin by recounting the events of the morning - trying to orient myself in the facts, or at least, the facts as I view them. I quickly realize this might be part of the problem. I see the situation that was the source of my anger one way, and the other person sees it differently.
Physically, as I’m talking, I feel myself getting lighter. Every word I speak breaks up the tension within me; my stress melts, and my vision clears.
The more I talk, the closer I get to naming how I’m really feeling. I discover something surprising fueling the rage I initially felt: the primal urge to be heard. I’m not mad about the situation. I’m mad that I feel like no one’s listening.
This powerful epiphany (among others) that bubbled up transmuted my stormy disposition into something more calm and centered. I felt completely different emotionally and even physically. Instead of confused and angry, I felt clear and empowered. I figured out how I felt and I knew what I needed to do next.
A Tool for Liberation + Self Love
Spilling your guts to yourself is the energetic equivalent of airing out a room that’s been shut for years. Each new moment brings a new epiphany, a long-felt, but never-uttered emotion, thought, fear, and desire into the light of your consciousness.
The clarity of awareness is great, but you’ll get so much more than that. As someone recovering from codependency and people-pleasing, one huge benefit for me is the opportunity to explore my inner world without the presence of someone else. I’m always trying to understand myself through my own lens instead of how I think I’m being perceived. Without the gaze of the Other, I had the perfect conditions for ruthless, liberating honesty.
Even if you don’t struggle with a porous sense of self like me, I can just about guarantee you’ll find some portal for deeper connection to yourself in a solo conversation. Hearing your thoughts and stream of consciousness out loud gives them form (words) they wouldn’t have if they stayed in your inner monologue.
Now that some time has passed, I can see what I really felt was not just freedom, but love.
By bearing witness to myself through verbally processing for 28 minutes, I gave myself the support, encouragement, and ultimately, the love I really needed, but didn’t know how to get in that moment.
This liberation and love is available to all of us. We can all be there for ourselves by simply allowing ourselves time and space to be with what is.
I used to hate the saying ”be with what is” – what are the actions of being with what is? Just sitting there?
I understand now that solo conversations are an approach to being with what is. There are surely others, but for me, they’ve become my favorite surefire way to move through tough moments and take care of my inner world.
How to Have a Productive and Helpful Solo Conversation
While having a conversation with yourself seems simple enough (and it is), actually doing it will feel pretty weird at first. Because of that, most of us will encounter resistance to trying this, along with other obstacles that may make the conversation less productive or enjoyable.
Here are my 3 best tips for having the best experience possible:
✨ Be as alone as possible. The car is the best place, in my opinion, unless you’ll be home alone. The car works well for me because I’m moving and in an enclosed space, so I don’t have to worry about being heard or perceived. If you don’t have a car or have roommates, I think the shower could be a good option.
✨ Give yourself enough time. Both times I’ve tried this, I’ve talked for over 20 minutes… but I’m a talker, and I’ve found I need time to spiral around the surface to get to the root of something. You may not need that much time – but I know I don’t like to feel rushed when doing this, and I bet you won’t, either.
✨ Go in with a goal in mind, but don’t feel like you have to stick to that. I think it’s helpful to have a grounding point when you first start talking, but as you do begin to talk, new information and insights will come up that will take you down different roads. I recommend giving yourself the flexibility to go down them.
✨ You don’t have to talk the whole time. It’s just you, so don’t worry about awkward silence. If you stop talking and forget where you were going, just start documenting what you were thinking about, and you’ll get back on track.
✨End with your next steps. I’ve found wrapping up with a recap and next steps, even though I’m going to record and listen, helps me feel closure on the conversation.
Thank you for being here!
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🌻Dana
I loved this sentence, "Spilling your guts to yourself is the energetic equivalent of airing out a room that’s been shut for years." Thank you for this insightful post and interesting idea...I never thought of talking it out with yourself as a type of self-love/counseling, but I think that's brilliant! I hear you about not feeling listened to. The other day I said something to my husband and after he nodded like he heard me, he asked me a question that revealed he hadn't heard a word I said! LOL! Thanks!